I hate tourists.

Now having let fly with such an incendiary remark, please let me explain myself! I've done a great deal of research on this topic, and have come up with the following:

I've named the species of people who visit our fair province “transient non-livyers.” Within this species are two sub-phyla: the “tourist” and the “visitor.”

What does this mean? Well, first let me describe the behavioural characteristics of “the tourist.” A couple of summers ago, I walked out the front door of my house on Gower St. There was a lady standing right across the street, looking at my home through the lens of her camera. She was taking a picture of the scenic row housing.

When I emerged, she looked up, and said in an irritated tone of voice, “Oh! You've ruined my picture!" I was so shocked that I was left speechless. When I recovered, I said to her, “Look here lady, this is not Paramount Freakin' Studio! This row of houses is not some movie set erected for the purpose of giving you a quaint little picture as a memento of your charming, rustic little @#$%$# holiday! There are real people living behind these “facades” who have the right to walk out of their own front doors, any time of the night or day, whether you are taking a picture or not!! I'm soooo sorry I ruined your Kodak moment!!!” (Of course, my recovery occurred about a half hour after I walked out of my front door. The “tourist” had already departed when I gave my little speech, but I did succeed in alarming a couple of neighbourhood cats.

The behaviour of the “visitor,” on the other hand, is completely different from that of the “tourist.” In fact, it is very difficult to tell the “visitor” from the “livyer.” They are unassuming and peaceful. They enjoy their surroundings without calling attention to themselves. They are not negative about the place they are visiting. They don't complain if you step into their picture frame, and never utter a word of complaint about the texture of cod tongues or the local price of cigarettes.

Since the collapse of the cod fishery, there has been a lot of focus on developing the tourism industry here in the province. Movies like “The Shipping News” and “Random Passage” have inspired visitors from all over the world to come here in droves. The year after “The Shipping News” was released, many tour companies reported up to a 30% increase in bookings. Of course, when visitors show up in those kinds of numbers, one of the things that they expect to see is local culture and entertainment. As a result, we've seen a large growth in the cultural industry over the past few years. Just about every town in the province sponsors a dinner theatre during the summer months, featuring local stories, music and characters. There are small community halls sprouting up, like the excellent Woody Point Heritage Theatre in Gros Morne, presenting concerts of traditional Newfoundland music and dance.

Over the past few years, I've observed that in addition to the two “transient non-livyer” sub phyla, there are also two categories of the species known as “provincial cultural worker” here on the island: The Newfie and The Newfoundlander.

One of the disadvantages in having a “distinct culture” with unique history, music, crafts and dialects, is the inevitable stereotypes that emerge from those strong collective characteristics that make up our provincial identity. We've all had to endure the image of the capering, good natured, incomprehensible, cod-kissing, screech-swilling, baby-seal- bashing, sou'wester-clad, slightly dim Newfie, who dances clumsily in his/her rubber boots for the amusement of the visitors that brave the Port aux Basques ferry crossing each year.

Of course, we're not the only culture that has suffered this type of archetypal debasement. This is yet one more thing that we have in common with the Irish. There is Irish culture, which is complex, diverse and beautiful, and then there is Paddy culture. The Paddy is basically The Newfie, after a quick costume change from sou'wester to green jacket!

I think that the major difference between The Newfie and The Newfoundlander in the entertainment industry is motivation. Newfies are primarily motivated by money. They create their cultural product without caring how it reflects on them or their fellow countrymen. Whether or not they get paid is foremost on their minds.

Newfoundlanders, on the other hand, passionately love Newfoundland, and they want everyone who comes here to love Newfoundland as well. If they make a few bucks by singing, acting and dancing, so much the better! But they are not willing to sacrifice their integrity, or make themselves look like idiots, by doing so.

To be fair to any “cultural workers” that might be reading this article, I really do feel that the majority of entertainers in our province are talented, committed people who present music, dance and theatre of the highest calibre. The Newfie is on the brink of extinction.Hopefully no one will notify the IFAW!! Let The Newfie go the way of the dinosaur, and may The Newfoundlander enjoy a happy, dignified and prosperous existence.

And perhaps the next asteroid will take care of those pesky tourists....

Long live the visitor.